The knights of the Round Table compete to get their purest member drunk - with rather unexpected consequences.
—> Written for Round One of the Arthurian Gift Exchange.
One night, not too long ago
Perceval had a task
To find the great Sir Galahad
And get him drunk off his ass.
This was not to be an easy thing
For Galahad was pure of heart
And did not dabble in debauchery
But preferred finer things like art.
But Perceval had a plan
One that was clever and a little bit rude
He just needed to convince old Gally
That the tavern wasn’t all that lewd.
At first he tried a sneak attack
And swapped his water for some wine
But that stubborn Sir Galahad
Complained his water did not taste fine.
He asked for another glass
And Perceval did pout
It seemed this task would not be easy
He would have to go all-out.
So he formed a company
Brave and fine knights did join his quest
Sir Owain, Sir Lancelot, & Sir Dinadin
All united in this fun jest.
Sir Lancelot liked the ladies
Everyone knew this was true
He dallied at night with a mystery woman
It was Queen Guinevere, that’s who.
He thought he’d use his expertise
To entice Galahad towards a drink
To bring him to where the ladies danced
Who knew, maybe he had a kink.
Sir Lancelot told Sir Galahad he had a treat for him
And brought him to a brothel, full of vice and skin
Oh how Galahad blushed when he walked in that door
Lancelot thought he would win.
But Galahad had other plans
He had to flee this place
For his body was reacting
Lancelot could tell by his face.
“Here, have a cup to calm down my lad!”
Said Lancelot to Galahad
A large pint of some local ale
It couldn’t be that bad.
His hands did tremble and his heart beat apace
For he could not believe his eyes
Ladies frolicking naked merrily
To leave this place would be wise.
Galahad stared at his mug
The amber liquid before his did swish
A putrid odor reached his nose
It only took that one whiff.
“A foul drink for a foul day!”
Galahad did curse
And with that he stood up and left
Dancing and drinking, Galahad did seem adverse.
Lancelot groaned, as his plan did fail
And the others would mock him truly
But why waste good ale and ladies
Especially that one draped in lapis lazuli.
The next day it was Sir Dinadin’s turn
To try and get dear Galahad drunk
He was the wittiest of Arthur’s knights
And knew he could convince the monk.
He had a plan to make him laugh
To give him giggles abound
And when he was at his happiest
In drink he would surely drown.
For three hours Dinadin made him laugh
Joke after jest after trick
And after each bought of giggles and laughs
Another pint was poured, this would be quick.
But Galahad was wittier than Dinadin
Though many would not have guessed
As for every drink he was poured
Galahad did pour it in a chest.
After three hours it was Dinadin
Who was drunk and off his face
And Galahad had to drag him back
To his sleeping place.
The morning after the four knights met
And attempted a battle plan
For Galahad was still sober
He was too righteous of a man.
At long last, Owain suggested a game
One that Galahad could not refuse
“Challenge him to quote the bible!”
That was something he would not lose.
For Galahad was very pious
A monk in knight’s armor
A way with words Old Gally had
For Mary, Christ, & his father.
The trick was mean in the end
For Owain named a verse
A verse from a book that did not exist
And poor Galahad thought he was the worst.
Sir Galahad fell to his knees
Feeling more the fool
He begged forgiveness for his lack of knowing
And Perceval could not help but feel cruel.
And so Galahad finally drowned in drink
Until he could no longer stand
He drank until the casks were dry
And there were no bottles in the land.
He wailed and cried and drank some more
For nothing could quench his thirst
He drank until he could not see
And all his morals were reversed.
He saw the ladies at the brothel
He danced until the dawn
He stumbled about the castle
Lamenting that he was Satan’s spawn.
Sir Perceval did seek him out that night
For Galahad had gone astray
On the floor of the tavern he was singing
About all the loves that had gotten away.
He mourned the loss of his youth
And the emptiness of his bed
He cried about the souls of his parents
Whose tryst created him in the end.
He prayed for forgiveness and guidance
And he asked for a sign
He drank until he could pray no more
Ale and beer and all the wine.
He slept on the tavern floor that night
While Sir Perceval did watch
He dreamt of a glowing golden grail
One that was not filled with scotch.
He dreamt that God did tell him
That he was destined to find this grail
That Arthur would ask him for it
And he would not fail.
Like poison the drink did spread
His blood thick with ale
He slept and slept for days on end
And Perceval never left, he would not bail.
Sir Galahad did weep in his sleep
Perceval watched as the tears were shed
For Galahad did smile at last
And then with a flicker, he was dead.
As he passed into death that night
He saw the glowing grail
He reached out and took it in his hands
He suddenly did not feel so frail.
Arthur appeared next to him
All pomp and circumstance
The king asked for the cup
And Sir Galahad took a chance.
He handed the cup to his king
And felt his heart swell with joy
For as he ascended to his beloved heaven